Calipers
I have always said it’s good to have goals. I think it’s time to reignite The Great Plan. A plan to reignite a faltering life in all the important areas I can currently define. A plan for happiness. A plan for Greatness. A plan for a future that means more than inertia. Not all at once, but sensibly. It’s a plan, that’s how those work, I’ve heard. It’s very Gatsbian and maybe I should have a sense of shame about airing this kind of personal “laundry” or disatisfaction with the wide and disapproving eye of the internet. But the internet has no such eye, I’ve learned that well enough, and if you read this and disapprove of my frankness and my dissatisfied attitude, there’s other blogs and other people who are plan-less and I’m sure they’ll be happy to have you.
Aspects that need fixing.
Self: body image, weight, health
Money: planning, organized, saving
Writing: poems, consistency, publishing, completion, accepting the role and its demands
Home: organized, clean, decorated
Love: a friendship, a humanity, a hand extended, following threads, not making The Great Plan distract me from other clues and other hopes.
Work: gaining control, resolving issues in a timely way, not letting it emotionally hollow out my soul
Misc.: human warmth, showing appreciation where it’s due, smoting the spectre of depression, relaxing, enjoying fandom, enjoying life and not living by terror, being creative and not so self-critical, losing control now and again
These are the things I can think of at the moment. Ways I am right now that leave me unhappy, leave me frozen. I want to find a center. All those Great people manage these things, not perfectly and I’m not aiming for perfection, but they don’t let these things run roughshod over their whole lives. Or at least, they don’t let it show.
I want to make some changes, is what I’m saying, darlings. I want a life that’s bigger, stronger, faster, sleeker, whatever comparative you want to apply. I don’t want to accept this status quo.
So, things. I took a walk today with my mother. She wanted me to open up about the way things have been getting me down lately and I wanted to, too. It’s just a huge state of mind. Feeling ground down and undermined and failing and lonely and forgotten and unwanted and put upon and irritated and ashamed and hopeful and tired and frightened and weak and regretful and all of this stuff. This giant, hazy ball of bullshit that seeing her care about me made rise to the surface. I wasn’t ready to be fixed, I just wanted to feel like I didn’t need to numb it. It didn’t exactly work because it seems to exasperate her that I can’t quantify what’s bothering me so that she can help me figure it out. It’s hard to say my whole life is fucked right now and that I am feeling all these things in this diet that I otherwise would choose not to feel. I have the time to feel them.
I just need some sleep and to shake it loose. There’s sunlight shining somewhere. We can do this. Somehow.
